


Dr. Dwalin, Ph.D.

by Bofur1, Majesticone



Series: Company Drama Trauma [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Creepy!Dwalin, Gen, Out of Character, The Author Regrets Everything, creepy!Fili & Kili, creepy!Thorin's Company, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-15
Updated: 2013-06-15
Packaged: 2017-12-15 02:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/844324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1/pseuds/Bofur1, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Majesticone/pseuds/Majesticone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thorin is losing his mind. Dwalin hopes to help him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dr. Dwalin, Ph.D.

“I do _not_ have anger issues!!!” screamed Thorin. 

Dwalin grinned, shaking his head.  “Then why are you yelling at me?”

“ _I do not have anger issues!!_ ” Thorin repeated severely.

“Calm down, calm down.  Take a deep breath, like this.” Dwalin demonstrated, sucking in a breath and then letting out slowly. “You just do that, Thorin.”

“ _Do you even realize how ridiculous you look when you do that?_ ”

“Okay then, why don’t you tell me why you’re so upset?” Dwalin suggested, smiling.

“You. Are. Not. My. Therapist!”

“Yes, I am.”

“Are not.”

Dwalin laughed.  “Are too.”

“Are not.”

“Are too!”

“ _Are not!_ ”

Fíli and Kíli entered the room and gaped in astonishment when they witnessed the argument.  “Mr. Dwalin, what’s going on?” asked Fíli hesitantly.

“Your uncle—” Dwalin began.

“ _Does not have anger issues!_ ” Thorin cut in savagely.

Kíli held up his hands in a passive gesture. “We never said you did, Uncle Thorin.”

“But Dwalin,” Thorin jerked a thumb at his cousin, “said I did!”

“Because it’s true,” Dwalin pointed out.

“Listen here,” Thorin growled, turning on him. “You are not my therapist. You never have been, and never will be! Why are you being _so completely aggravating_ today?!”

Dwalin shrugged his shoulders. “The only reason I have entitled myself as your therapist is because you’ve gone so long without one. You need help.”

“ _I do not!!!_ ” Thorin bellowed.

“Alright, Fee, let’s just sneak out now,” Kíli whispered nervously. “Before we get pulled into—”

“Fíli! Kíli! Do you think I have anger issues?”

Kíli studied Thorin and didn’t exactly know how to answer. At the moment their uncle was looking rather crazed, and Kíli could see why Dwalin was trying to calm him down. On the other hand, he didn’t want to enrage Thorin further by saying yes.

“Um...I’m not sure. What do you think, Fee?”

Fíli felt all eyes turn to him, and he reddened. “Uh...uh...erm...”

“You’re siding with Dwalin!” Thorin cried, heat rushing to his face. “I thought surely you would—”

“Thorin, I think you’d better sit down,” Dwalin suggested calmly.

“Oh, I should make you pay for—”

“Just sit down and imagine you’re lying on a fluffy bed of clouds high in the sky,” said Dwalin serenely. 

“Absolutely _not_. You know all Dwarves have vertigo under the open sky!!!” 

“And dream of sweet things,” said Dwalin, “like—”

“ _No_ ,” growled Thorin.  “Do you even realize how insane you sound when you talk like that?”

“Like roses and kittens,” said Dwalin.  “And chocolates, and—”

“Have you had too much ale?” asked Kíli.

“No, I’m just trying to help your uncle.” 

“ _I do not need any of your help!_ ”

“Yes, yes, you do.  Now sit.  Imagine—”

“ _No!_ ”

“Imagine you’re in a boat on the ocean and it’s rocking you to—”

“ _Don’t. Even. Say. The. Word,_ ” Thorin ground out.

“—sleep,” Dwalin finished.

Fili grinned and added, “And just imagine me singing your favorite song, ‘Staying Alive’—”

“I hate that song!!!”

“No you don’t,” Kíli chimed in sweetly.  “It’s your favorite.  Now make yourself comfortable and I’ll sing it to you.”

“ _I’m having a nightmare!_ ”

“No, you’re not,” said Dwalin placidly.  “You’re awake in a dreamy world of—”

Thorin cuffed him in the back of the head, knocking him out.  He whirled to the boys. “As for you—” he snarled.

“You’re awake in a dreamy world of...” Fíli thought for a moment.

“Snails!” Kíli burst out.

Thorin stared at him. “Snails...?”

“They’re furry snails,” Fíli assured him.

Thorin clutched his head and began to pace. “What in Mahal’s name is happening?! Why is everyone insane?!”

“We’re not the ones who are insane,” Kíli hissed to his brother, just loud enough for Thorin to hear.

“Oh, yes,” Thorin snapped. “You are insane. All of you!”

Suddenly, Balin appeared at the door. “What on earth is all this racket?”

Thorin slunk to his elder cousin and grabbed him by the shoulders. “Balin,” he pleaded pitifully. “Please, please tell me I’m not insane.”

Balin blinked. “You’re not insane, Thorin...”

Thorin threw up his hands. “ _Thank you!_ ”

“...but you do sometimes have problems with your anger.”

“ _Aauuggh!!!_ ” Thorin fell on top of Dwalin’s unconscious form. “Why?! Why?!”

“It’s alright,” Balin said soothingly. “We all need counseling sometime in our lives.”

“Well, Uncle Thorin needs it right now,” Kíli explained.

“Ah,” Balin acknowledged, nodding. “Well, then, Thorin, why don’t you lie down and—”

“Never!” Thorin leapt to his feet and shoved them out of the way. He ran down the hall, only to run into—Dwalin!

“But...” Thorin sputtered. “You...I...what...”

“You know that hurt, right?” Dwalin asked, rubbing his head.

“You’re still unconscious!” Thorin gasped.

“Naw. As you can see, I’m right here. Now why don’t you—”

Thorin belted out a scream and made a break for it, dashing the other way. Standing there were the rest of his Company.

“Help me hide,” he begged. “Dwalin and Balin and my nephews have gone insane!”

Everyone stepped forward in unison and chorused together: “Why don’t you lie down, Thorin?”

Thorin saw spots dance in front of his vision, his head felt light, and he fell over.

—

Thorin woke up when someone shook him.

“Thorin?” Dwalin looked concerned. “You were screaming and thrashing everywhere. What’s wrong?”

Thorin gaped at him. “Get away from me.”

Dwalin was surprised, but did as Thorin said. Thorin, meanwhile, buried his head under his pillow and sobbed in relief that it was over.


End file.
